Santorum Sees Chastity Belts As Answer

New Orleans, La., March 21 (AP) – Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum told a rally here today that what he termed “a growing national crisis of marital infidelity and teenage pregnancy” demands “a strong leader, unafraid to return to the tried-and-true methods of a former time, up to and including the widespread use of chastity belts.”

The idea that prior presidential candidates, including John F. Kennedy, might be repelled by this notion, added Santorum, “is enough to make me throw up.”

Romney Campaigns in Flatbush

Brooklyn, N.Y., March 21 (Reuters) – Wearing a yarmulke and entering with a cry of “Oy gevalt!,” Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney paid a surprise lunch-hour visit to Goldstein’s Kosher Delicatessen today, regaling customers with stories about his days as a “young mensch” when he “noshed on knishes and matzo balls” to gain weight to qualify for his prep school’s squash team.

“My fondest memories of time spent with my father are those glorious summer weekends we went fly-casting for gefilte fish on Lake Michigan,” Romney told the midday crowd, adding that although he doesn’t have any Jewish friends who keep kosher, “I do know a number of kosher food manufacturers.”

Sound Bite to Remember (sports)

“The same things win that always win. The only thing that changes are the excuses when you lose.”

         –Paul “Bear” Bryant