“I never met with any Russian officials to discuss issues of the campaign.”

–Jeff Sessions

Probable topics of discussion during Sessions’ two sessions with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak:

  1. Sessions’ help in getting Coach Nick Saban to agree to a selfie with the Russian ambassador before the Alabama-Auburn game.
  2. Arrangements for the Bolshoi Ballet to make a guest appearance at the Alabama State Fair.
  3. Ironing out details of Vladimir Putin’s waving the starting flag for the Talladega 500.
  4. The comparative merits of Russian kasha and Alabama black-eyed peas as a side dish at Washington buffets.
  5. Negotiations for a Crimean tour of the rock band Alabama Shakes “after things settle down there.”
  6. Agreement on a specialized team of Putin-trained Russian experts on voter qualification and election-monitoring advising Sessions in the event he ever became Attorney General of the United States.